As we're getting closer and closer to their one year birthday I'm becoming more sentimental which is weird because I'm not a sentimental or touchy feely person what so ever! But it's struck me, the warm, happy, fuzzy memories, and right after those come the flood of other memories such as the PPD, the lack of bonding in the first few months between the twins and I, and of course the utter, unspeakable exhaustion.
Do you ever sit around and wonder why you became a parent? Tim and I do, especially this past week when our babies spent the week battling colds and ear infections. It's been a hard couple of weeks for us, and a lot of our spunk is depleted. But that's why God gave us Red Bull; hallelujah!
Anyways, off track, babies, why in the world did we decide to have babies. Well the truth is we didn't plan it, they just kind of happened. And apparently it's a phenomenon, a lot of people who have babies are like us, they just woke up one day like normal, took a test, and BAM, life changed and no more drinking for the lucky mom-to-be for at least nine more months. We've heard from a lot of people while I was pregnant and years before that, things like "oh babies are soooo great, we don't even remember what it was like to NOT have kids" to which Tim and I reply "LIARS". Ok maybe those people aren't lying, but we vividly remember what it's like to not have babies.
- First off, my house was clean. . . pretty much all the time. I would deep clean about every three days, vacuum every day, and it was glorious!
- Second, I use to sleep. Now I don't sleep, at least not as much as I use to. Case in point, Clive woke up screaming bloody murder at 5am this morning. Usually my saint of a husband gets up with them in the middle of the night while I continue to sleep, but Clive wanted ME to rock him back to sleep. Oh the joys of motherhood.
- Third, we use to have money. Not to say that we're completely out, just that we don't have a lot left over for Tim and me. It's mostly Clive and Scarlet's which is totally not fair because Tim and I are the ones going out and making it!
- Fourth, we had time. We had time to piss away. We used to go out to dinner every night for 2 hours and have spontaneous Lost and Dexter marathons. Now our time is now dictated by naps, feedings, diaper changes and whatever errands we need to do.
- Fifth, my stories have become super lame. I had lunch with my friend today and I went on and on about my babies. And it's not like they're cool stories either, it's like "Yeah we took Clive to the doctor and discovered he had a double ear infection". Why is that stuff so interesting to moms?
Now back to my main point, why did we have babies? Parenting doesn't sound like fun, and sometimes it's not. Raising babies is work, a LOT of work and I know it's the most important thing I've ever done in my entire life, but sometimes I fail at it. I'm doing it pro bono, I don't get paid, and I have literally been peed on 10+ times. The truth is I don't know why. The moment I found out I was pregnant I broke down in tears. To this day I don't know if they were tears of sadness or tears of joy I just knew that in that instant, the moment I saw that plus sign, my life had changed forever. I was having a baby (back then I just thought it was one, boy was I in for a shock!).
We said yes to life. And by saying yes to life, we ended up saying yes to two lives. We now have two beautiful babies that have been the biggest blessing we could have asked for. It's not to say that my life is perfect. It's not perfect, in fact having children has made my house messy (I'm a neat freak), forced my husband and I to make tough decisions together and sometimes leads to fights and of course hiding things from Tim, it's changed my relationships with friends, and it has been the most difficult year to date.
Having babies has certainly made my life less perfect, but in a way it's a different kind of Paradise we live in. It's a paradise filled with love, laughter, less money, more work, less time, and less sleep. It's an experience that you have to live to understand. I don't know how to describe it, and as I reread this parenthood sounds pretty horrible, but it's not. It's something I wasn't ready for, something I'm still not sure how to navigate through, but I'm slowly learning to embrace it and it's the best thing in my life.
This video says it all. I still wouldn't change it for the world.