Monday, August 29, 2011

Spa Day

I had a spa day Saturday because I deserve one more than anyone else in the world. Did I mention I had twins??? I laugh at your one baby, bahaha! Ok maybe not, but I really needed a massage. Before the twins were born and while I was pregnant I was constantly getting massages, facials, pedicures, etc… and now that they’re here this has greatly diminished into NEVER getting one (confession: I still get a pedicure every other week, so I guess that’s not entirely true). So, Saturday I decided to get a salt scrub, mud wrap, and hot stone massage. A little bit about me really quick: I don’t relax, period. By that I mean I don’t know how. I’m not a person who meditates or does yoga or has quiet time. My mind literally never quits running and I've never been able to make it calm down. So what does that mean for you??? Why that means I analyzed everything about my spa day and you get to read my list. Lucky you!

  • 1.      The Salt scrub doesn't smell salty. It smells minty, naming fail.
  • 2.      Those mats with the big rocks on them don’t always have the rocks glued down,caution while stepping into the shower!
  • 3.      Why don’t they glue those stones down??? And who came up with that??? It freakin hurts!
  • 4.      Where can I get one of those spa robes? It feels like the world’s softest baby lamb was slaughtered just for me :)
  • 5.      I’m probably way too comfortable with my body. No one should be this comfortable after having twins. No one.
  • 6.      Mud wraps make me feel weird, like I’m a burrito wrapped in foil waiting to be eaten by a giant cannibal.
  • 7.      I wonder what the mud tastes like, it smells like chocolate after all.
  • 8.      The mud doesn't taste good.  Don’t try it.
  • 9.      It’s not helpful to think about the Psycho stabbing scene when you’re sitting in a steam shower all by yourself and you can’t see more than a foot in front of you.
  • 10.   I want a steam shower in my house, even though I might be stabbed in it. That thing is so awesome, it’s worth a stabbing.

 My spa day was really relaxing and afterwords I felt ready to take on the world! But after an hour of being home I was ready for another spa day. 

Scarlet and Clive both wanted to play with the phone part and Clive kept hitting Scarlet's hand thinking it was part of the game and caused her to throw a fit. 

Clive somehow found his way under my TV stand and was playing with his toy

Tim won the award this weekend for worst moment. His shirt says it all... 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Go The F To Sleep

Go the F to Sleep is the most brilliant “children’s book” on the face of this planet. When I first heard about this book I thought to myself “Oh My Gosh, who would ever buy this book? Any parent who buys this would surely have to be beating their kids with a metal rod or something!!!” But then I regained my sense of humor and quickly ordered it. When it came in the mail I was giddy with excitement and squealed like a child on Christmas morning. However, soon after reading it though I was plagued by guilt, after all what if my children one day thought that's what I thought about them. There were curse words (gasp!) and parents not playing happy and whimsical games with their children (double gasp!). These parents were just annoyed, exhausted, and pleading with their child to sleep, when in reality they should be rocking and loving them 24/7, with unsurmounted enthusiasm right? And then I was all like oh wait, I think that exact same way when it’s 3am and both children are yelling with delight because they think it’s playtime. It’s pretty damn annoying and I want them to Go the F to sleep! This book is awesome because at some point or another I thought these very same terrible things about my children. It puts in words exactly how I feel. I highly recommend it to any parent who, like Tim and I, suffer sleepless, seemingly endless nights and need a little adult pick me up (minus the vodka). 

Me reading the book to Clive and hoping he get's the message so I can sleep tonight!

But instead he decided to eat the book. Looks like another sleepless night. Crap.

And random Scarlet picture. I just had to share it because she looks so adorable! She actually sleeps (take note Clive).

Disclaimer: No babies's minds were permanently harmed in the making of this blog post. They'll forget all about it tomorrow. 

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I hope someone finds this as entertaining as we do...

Sometimes you just have a friend that gets you, a friend that has a similar twisted mind as you. I have a few friends like that, but one very special one that I had an interesting email exchange with not too long ago. Even after I tried to go back and re read our conversation that led into our exchange, I couldn’t tell you how we even started it. I’m just going to chalk it up to someone as equally as insane as I am!

AnnaI think you just got bumped to the bottom of my BFFF list. . . .

Me: Whatev! But just know that skinny girl margaritas are for BFFF’s only!

Anna: Jamie I am super rich and buy my own Skinny Girl drinks! BAM!

Me: I own Google. Super BAM!

Anna: I invented Google before you bought it, so you actually paid me when you bought it. . .  INFINITY BAM!

Me: I just struck a bazillion gallons of oil!  KA POW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anna: Too bad I own the mineral rights to your land. . . .BIFF! BOFF! BONK! CLANK! CLUNK! POWIE! SOCK! WHAPP! ZLOPP!

Me: I burned your mineral rights papers before they could be filed, so you have no proof
Sonic Boom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anna: I had a secret copy that I had filed without your knowledge
ATOMIC BOMB in your FACE!!!!!!!!!!

Me: I just destroyed the county office where the records are kept

HYDROGEN BOMB IN YO MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anna: I bought them a secret bomb proof safe (to keep the other copy at a top secret location) with the money you paid me when you bought my Google rights. .. . .

Antimatter explosion in your brain. . . .
p.s. the noise attracts a ravaging colony of super zombie alien vampires (they eat your brains, suck your blood, AND probe you for tests)

Me: I just sent the guys from Oceans 11 to go break into you bomb proof safe, and they got in and they’re burning them as we speak.

Black Hole Super Nova Blast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Too bad your vampires sparkle, your aliens contract STD’s and die of earthly disease, and your zombies are the slow walking dead kind! Creature Fail!

Anna: I just can’t top that. . . .UNLESS: It was all in your head b/c this is all actually an Inception. . . .we aren’t rich at all, we work at Blue Ridge and I need to be your friend b/c Skinny girl margaritas are always out of stock in this desert wasteland.

Me: That sounds familiar… Are we dreaming? The only way to know is to die…

Anna: The good news is that if we are dreaming, Zombies, Aliens, Vampires, and STD’s can’t hurt us!!!

Maybe we’re the only ones who think this is hilarious, but I’m putting it out there in the case that someone else will find us equally as funny. Our husbands are not allowed to comment on this subject.  

Monday, August 15, 2011


I was trying to think of something cool to write about this week, but I couldn’t come up with anything, mostly because I had a boring weekend. I know, I know  your saying to yourself “but Jamie you live such a glamorous and exciting life”. That’s true but very false. So since I didn’t have any funny adventures I’m going to give you a small glimpse into my world.

I wish I could come up with something to say that was fun that happened with him this weekend, but truthfully he was crazy fussy all weekend. I think it’s teething, but if it’s not I’m totally ordering an exorcism for him! Plus his eyes started glowing when you take a picture. Tim swears it’s just the flash, but I’ve watched a lot of horror movies and I know when you kids start acting funny you take it serious.
See little glowing eyes!

Oh crap, and I totally forgot that he also turned into a creepy doll for a few seconds!

Scarlet was the same as always, just kind of a round and little smiling blob of cute. Of course she gave up that cute last night around midnight when she decided it was time to play and cried for us to entertain her. She has stayed up late all night this past weekend and of course refused a nap. It’s times like these when that bottle of baby Benadryl looks tempting…
She was being so cute and trying to eat a part of her bouncer seat

Later that night she decided she wanted to stay up later than usual because she had important things to do rather than sleep like try and eat her pajama sleeve.

That’s right I’m writing about you bwhahaha!  Actually he was really boring too. Moving on.

Overall that was my weekend. Two crazy babies and a whole lot of nothing exciting going on. I promise I’ll go back to being funny as soon as something funny happens (I’m talking to all of my close friends aka my BFFF’s who have made resolutions to keep me interesting. You guys are failing. That’s right I’m calling you out. BAM!).

PS- My house is haunted again. More on that developing story later. 

PSS- A huge congrats to Ivan and Beatrice on their newest bundle of joy! She’s beautiful! 

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Ask Jamie

I know your thinking to yourself "Two blogs in one day??? This is awesome, what did we do to deserve this?" Well nothing, stop being selfish, this is about me.

Today starts the first day of my parenting advice column at This is Mommyhood called Ask Jamie.

Do you need parenting advice? Well you've come to the right place. Ask me anything and I'll tell you how I (an expert) would handle it. Anything from fussy infants, to terrible toddlers, even tweens and teens is game. I'm like super nanny on steroids.

Ask Jamie!

Disclaimer: This advice is meant to be for entertainment purposes only.

6 months old

Yesterday my babies turned 6 months old, and I celebrated with a margarita snow cone from Bahama Bucks. I added tequila to it when I got home because I just made it through 6 months without losing it, or losing them. Winning! I’m excited Tim and I have made it this far, we deserve a freakin medal! I wish they made twin mom medals, that’s going into my idea folder.
I remember being pregnant with them not to long ago and answering all the annoying questions, and wishing that they were here so I wouldn’t have to answer them anymore. But guess what, they’re here and I’m still answering them.  Here’s a quick summary of their stats and common questions I get asked, I’m writing this for you random lady at Home Depot.
  • 1.      She is older by 3 minutes.
  • 2.      Yes they are twins.
  • 3.      He is bigger by 5oz.
  • 4.      I know they’re small, yes I’m feeding them.
  • 5.      No I didn't use fertility treatments.
  • 6.      No twins don’t run in our family.
  • 7.      No I don’t know how I do it either.
  • 8.      I’m glad you never had twins too.
  • 9.      No I don’t want to hear about how your cousin’s, sisters, next door neighbor had twins in a shopping mall (true story).
  • 10.   They don’t talk, so stop trying to make them say things like “bye bye”. Oh and repeating it over and over again doesn't do anything, it just gets on my nerves and forces me to walk away even faster.
  • 11.   No they are not identical, she has hair, he’s bald, his face is round, hers is ovalish, her hair is dark, his hair is light, and of course HE’S a BOY and SHE’S a GIRL. Use your imagination here.

It’s crazy having twins, life is chaos at times but then you have incredibly sweet moments and you realize all the hard times are worth it. Then they spit up on you and laugh about it (my babies can be jerks). 
Sweet Scarlet

Scarlet throwing a fit

Happy Clive in the morning

Clive getting upset because he can't eat the Starbucks cup

Saturday morning smiles

Saturday afternoon chaos 

Life is good. 

PS- For those of you who read my blog about the stupid photo shoot and want to check out the pictures Tim took of the coffee click here. They turned out pretty good, but it still took 2 hours! Not cool. 

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Me + Bar = Cool Fail

I’m a really awesome person, but I’m not cool anymore. It pains me to type those words even though I’ve secretly known it was true for a while. I went to a bar  this weekend for a girls night out. Let me just start off by saying I hardly ever leave the house, much less go to bars. It was a special occasion though, so we started out at the Hemmingway, a nice cigar bar, but they closed early and we weren’t ready to go home so we decided to go to a popular karaoke bar. Not our best idea. It’s the  kind of bar where you have to scream to talk to the person across the table and everyone is trying really hard(unsuccessfully)  to look sexy and dance seductively. We managed to get a table in the corner and thus began our bar night. The waitress and shot girls didn’t like us because we wouldn’t order drinks (we had to drive home) and people kept staring us down, I think because they hated that we had taken up a table and weren’t drinking. Anyways, here’s a sample of our conversation topics (No we were not drunk, nor had we had a lot to drink). I like lists if you haven’t noticed yet so here’s a list of  things we talked about and did.
  • 1.      In the bathroom staring at the toilet “I have to pee but I think I’ll hold it. I don’t want an STD.”
  • 2.     Meghan and I proudly showed off pictures of our kids to one another
  • 3.      How to make homemade baby food, and yes that included recipe trading and the pros in cons of doing it yourself.
  • 4.     While walking up stairs “Feel that pole, it feels sticky. No one touch it I bet it’s super germy! You’ll get an STD!”
  • 5.      “Oh crap I missed the toilet and peed on the floor” (once again NOT drinking!)
  • 6.     Me: “Clive’s little rash has come back, but we have this great ointment and I think it’s going to clear right up again.”
  • 7.      Me to Ami screaming at the top of my lungs: “Are you kidding me??? The zombie apocalypse is totally going to happen before an alien invasion!”

Overall the night was a lot of fun, despite our lameness. 
Best moment of the night:  when they played the Cupid Shuffle and we all got up and danced. Most embarrassing moment of the night: after the Cupid Shuffle we had to exit the dance floor because none of us knew how to Dougie.

PS- Apparently there’s a dance that called the Cat Daddy that you do while doing the Dougie. I miss the Electric Slide.  

Mirror pictures are still cool right? Oh well we tried!